I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
