im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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