Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
