never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
