did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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