I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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