dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Operation Purity has been aborted
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
