eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
