note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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