Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
