you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
