Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
