chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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