Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
