i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
