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Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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