Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour