It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
