I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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