You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
