I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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