Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
