at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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