if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
