And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
