I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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