the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
