Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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