my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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