The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
