UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
