eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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