Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
