Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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