We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
