wanna go halves on a baby?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't deserve a penis
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
