Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
