my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
