Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
