I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
