I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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