I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
