I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
