The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
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So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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