I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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