@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize