last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
