halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
