i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
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And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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