I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
