6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
