Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
