it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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