There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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