he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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