I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
