Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
