how do flat chested girls get laid?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
